Don't Fall For It!

What do you believe in? Our beliefs are thoughts that we repeat to ourselves over and over again, with certainty. There is very little to no room to question them unless we have the awareness to just observe and not identify ourselves with them. The beliefs that we have are nothing more than the stories that we create and convey to ourselves about something or someone, based on non-validated or limited information - that is, our own perception of what actually happened. Once we anchor the beliefs in our system, it becomes our identities that ultimately influence the way we relate to ourselves or communicate with others, in various contexts. You might doubt if someone is genuine even though (s)he is reaching out with kindness, when you believe the bad experience of another whom this very same person has reached out to before. The reverse is also true. You will be more likely to accept the kindness when you believe the story you heard about the difference this person makes in another person's life. What we believe conjures up images in our minds about the person or event, which then trigger emotions that we feel in our bodies. Since our thoughts lead to our emotions, to not identify ourselves with our thoughts would also mean that neither should we with our emotions.

Lately in the neighbourhood where I live, there have been increasing door-to-door sales and charity or welfare donation pleas, in part due to the strong economic and social impacts of the current COVID-19 pandemic. Similarly, I have personally received relentless telemarketing calls, for instance, from energy agencies on price war affairs, for which I wondered how these people got my number in the first place. I have also received several email or text warnings on rampant internet banking frauds that I should be extra vigilant of. However, after a while I started to notice the patterns that emerged from the way how these people approached me and possibly other households. And this was after several experiences under different scenarios when I began to also pay more attention to how I tend to respond to them when they appeared at my doorstep or called unexpectedly. On my part, I found it hard to say NO. While it did not mean that I bought into what they are selling or offering, I found it rather challenging to just say NO to cut short the conversations. I let them talk or perhaps I should say, they were all very convincing in their sales pitch. When I felt agitated after realizing how much time has been wasted in engaging them at some point, I got curious why I even stayed so long in the first place. I could speak up and say no, close the door or hang up - but I did not. I was clearly upset about myself.

One day as I sat there ruminating about it, it became apparent to me that it has something to do with the emotional hook in their sales pitch! And that emotion is something that we are all so familiar with, called FEAR. The salesman who wanted to sell home alarm system started off by telling me about the recent burglaries and break-ins just around the block. The donations collectors would share extreme conditions of foreign communities that they want to channel help for through the funds. The telemarketing person would make me feel the savings loss for not opting the competitive offer they have. And the online fraudster would make me believe that the banking server has detected a phishing threat on my computer that could lead to stolen banking details. Fear of safety risks. Fear of judgment. Fear of missing out. Fear of financial insecurity. The tendency to draw upon the FEAR in me became obvious and nauseating. This clarity somehow brought out another pattern to my acknowledgement. They refused to leave until they have at least some personal information from me for more follow-ups, be it telephone number or email address. I realized that my willingness of leaving them with any personal contact details directly correlated with how I associated myself with the feeling of fear introduced. This was especially true with the donation pleas. The feeling of being judged was so strong that I once went ahead and left my details on the spot only to find out later that I have been subscribed to monthly payments with an extremely tedious cancellation process. The telemarketers would send me a text message which upon clicking to open, and if I did not pay close enough attention to, would have led me directly to the subsequent 'Agree' button for the contract they drew up based on our phone call. Whoa, it blew my mind! You bet how I would even choose to believe any of them going forward, even though there might be some sincere folks once in a while.

What happened next was interesting. Not only that I noticed how the patterns played out exactly the same way no matter who might turn up or call, I faced no difficulties in saying NO for sure, because of the beliefs I formed from the experiences I had. As a result, I adopted a different way of communicating with them. I surprised even myself when I could just interrupt their pitch without much hesitations, by asking instead to provide their website details and I will look into them then decide. I went a step further owning up to them about the unpleasant experiences I had just so they could step into my shoes for once - although this might still demonstrate that I have some fear of judgment. What I have also learned from this was how we could tell if the reason that the person did that because they really care or simply attributed to personal interests. In the most recent donation plea incident, the teenager was quite defensive after my gentle attempt to send him away, who then insisted that I checked his passport that he brought with him. He was slightly more pissed off when I kindly suggested to look into the cause that he supports before promising anything. When he finally walked away, I thought to myself: What a small window of decision between going along with it and choosing my action. There was no reason for him to get upset if he also factored in that NO was also an answer. My new way of approaching this did not block any opportunity to purchase or donate but certainly has provided me with the option to think before I act and not let my emotions grip me easily.

Whether it is fear, anger, unworthiness, or disappointment, to name a few, what is important for us to recognize is that the fact that these are emotions. They can either serve us in a powerful and meaningful ways, or destroy us through our reactiveness and defensiveness. If we can learn to disentangle ourselves from these negative emotions and consider objectively how and why they are triggered, we can choose our response and improve the way how we relate to one another, possibly by leaps and bounds. In fact, it may be the only answer to world peace.