Important Lessons From Assumptions-Making

Since you are here, I assume that you might realize just how your assumptions might have failed you countless times before. You felt embarassed or disappointed ("Oh I thought..."), perhaps wrestled with guilt to some extent ("I could have...") or even got yourself in trouble ("Darn, I should have..."). The truth is, we make assumptions about people and situations all the time - sometimes they are insignificantly harmless, other times they can be generously harmful and not to mention, costly! So, you might want to consider flexing your paradigm around this as you read, to consider both ends of the spectrum and everything that falls in between. We may do this out of unconscious habit, out of convenience (time-related concerns), or simply, out of ego ("Heck, I must be right.").

Assumptions are like making a preliminary judgment call or jumping into conclusion about what happened in our decision-making process. They are mostly formed by our observations and past experiences, and within that, how we are exposed to, interpret and engaged with others' experiences as well. As in research, based on extant theoretical findings, data collections and observations, we establish several hypotheses from these sources and then investigate further to prove them credible or otherwise, then adjust accordingly. When we make assumptions or form opinions about the subject under consideration, it is likened to treating these hypotheses as simply true or final, without any intention or conscience to probe deeper.

The mind creates its own reality based on partial information derived through our limited five senses and on top of that, we often forget it tends to also delete, distort and generalize. That renders our memory and perception of things highly questionable at times - not until we can provide evidences that will substantiate the assumptions. But, we must understand it is almost impossible to 'prove' when it comes to dealing with how people think, believe and feel - unless people choose to communicate honestly with each other. Therefore, assumptions here can do more damage than good.

Let me give you an example story recently of how I made wrong assumptions which left me feeling rather bad about myself. For some time already, I felt my working-from-home days often got interrupted by delivery guys ringing the door bell, even when I didn't have any package myself, but to leave neighbours' with me when they couldn't be delivered. Other times, it would be door-to-door donation pledges to support non-profit institutions or kids collecting empty cans or bottles for recycling in exchange for monetary coupons at the supermarket. It wasn't the activities that bothered me, as much as the frequency of them breaking my focus or flow in the moment. Lately, I no longer was certain who could be expected at the door but one thing for sure, the person became more relentless to ring the door bell several times to get attention and I would just let them (sometimes frustrated) when I wasn't expecting anyone and wanted to get my work going, or just followed my gut-feel whether to run downstairs and check it out.

On this one fine day, I happened to stand my ground firmly and refused to open the door, given the learned unhelpful judgment calls many times before. I made the assumption that it must one of the three commonly possible scenarios above which I could ignore. But this time, the door bell went on non-stop for a good few minutes sending alarming signals as though something serious has occurred and yet for some reasons, I didn't budge even a bit - my heart was beating fast and if anything, I was actually intimidated. Inside me I was screaming, "How dare you?" Then it stopped, I heard running footsteps fading away into the distance. "Who could it be?" I sat there on the floor, thinking to myself. Just as I stood up, the door bell went off again. This time I really panicked, and a few moments later, I heard a kid screaming through the postbox in an angry tone, "Is there anyone home, come on!" The voice seemed to reassure me that it must be some desperate kid hoping to ask for empty bottles or cans again, but oh boy, wasn't that rude to scream into someone's household to get such need met? Geez.

Then, silence once again. I waited for a few before I heard the kid talking outside with someone, followed by my door bell ringing loud again. It was in that instance that I felt deep down: 'enough is enough'. I grabbed the keys and I stormed into the hallway towards the door, looking very crossed by the whole thing. As I opened the door, I saw the boy standing before me and a woman, likely his mom, near him with her hands wrapped around her, staring back at me. The boy, looking relieved, quickly explained politely that his frisbee had accidentally landed in my backyard and he just wanted to get it back. I gasped in horror (only to myself I hope) realizing how mistakened I was the entire time and in that instance, a slight guilt washed over me.

What's with me? That was embarrassing indeed - I would run and hide if I could. I acknowledged his request, nodded and smiled, and told him to wait on the other side of my backyard and closed the door. I walked quickly to the garden and saw the frisbee lying there on the tile, picked it up and threw it over the wooden fence towards the field outside. The kid screamed, 'Got it!' and went back into the seemingly joyful mood of playing with his friends. Trust me, the whole incident really bothered me for the next hours after that, leaving me thinking and reflecting about how everything got off a bad start due to my own assumptions. After some thoughts, I came up with the following learning points about this experience.

Awareness is crucial - a game-changer. You must be aware and know when you make assumptions about anything or anyone. If you truly practice awareness in your life, you will experience it even when you are pressed for time. But what does it mean to be aware about your assumptions? This implies that as you assume, you are also aware of the possibilities that you might be wrong. This signals the brain to be open for suggestions that would elevate caution for your reassessment and decide differently based on the new information.

Assumptions made unconsciously drive you to believe that you are downright sure it can be no other way and in this case, make room for confirmation biases. Confirmation bias is the tendency to seek out information that confirms your existing assumptions which essentially are your beliefs, while neglecting or dismissing information that contradicts them. This can lead to a distorted view of reality and prevent you from seeing alternative perspectives or solutions. Similarly, when you assume the worst in a person, you will start to mostly notice their wrongdoings or flaws and interpret their every move as suspicious even when the opposite is true - thinking that you know the whole story! Put yourself in that same place, now how do you like it?

Tune into any doubts that arise within you and ask questions. When you acknowledge the margin of errors in your assumptions along with the current reality, what is 'real' will play out as nature intended it to be. You will get cues when your assumptions are challenged which can make you feel uncomfortable and rather confused. Emotions and feelings you experience are here to highlight something important enough that will help you do the right thing for yourself and others. Yet, the unfortunate response when dealing with discomfort is when you ignore, suppress or avoid it. You may be successful with it each time so far, which in principle, is a decision itself, but in the larger scheme of things, a new 'reality' is forming for you based on your choice.

As the truth holds, it will intensify the need for you to see things differently. The only way to do that is when you are able to take a pause and take heed of the 'warnings' within you. This could be as simple as acknowledging the discomfort and confusion and continue to experience them without any judgment. When you are attuned with your inner world, you will tend to ask better questions to validate how your think and feel, for instance, "What is this telling me right now?" or "How do I know for sure?". Sometimes, there are questions that need to be asked to others to validate your assumptions on the state of affairs, "Am I right to think that....?", "Can you confirm if my understanding is correct about....?", or "What I am hearing is....is that accurate?". You might just get an idea or two to shift your perspectives to feeling better, hence altering your original assumptions.

It is okay to make mistakes but you must learn from them. If you bypass the above, chances are your assumptions might just prove you wrong in time. That brings me back to saying how you might feel silly, giddy, guilty, embarrassed or disappointed (e.g. when you ruled yourself out for certain opportunities assuming you don't have what it takes), depending on the context. It might come down to one trivial thing that you could have done or consider differently at one point in time, if not for what you assumed to be true, which has led you to the moment of realization: your assumptions were skewed at best. That's all fine, it happened and it probably won't be your last. So go easy on yourself, reflect on what you can learn from the experience and do better the next time.

It is often when you are willing to face your own mistakes and the mental and emotional rides coming alongside it that shall make all the difference and you be more likely not to repeat them. While mistakes are inevitable, making the same mistakes time and again though merely seem increasingly banal, will build up heftier consequences each time in your experience, unless you pay attention and take the lesson. Besides, when you learn from your own mistakes, it will be evident in the way you conduct yourself and show up for others in your everyday life. It is a brilliant way to teach without teaching and at the same time reinforce the lessons learnt in you.

In summary, making assumptions and prematurely be locked into them can invite various big and/or small repercussions worth considering. In life, we are interacting with people all the time through our relationships. Hence, every assumption we make often associates with others with direct or indirect impacts that we may not be able to perceive and gauge. The only thing certain is how every little action we individually take will create an equivalent outcome elsewhere in the realm of a co-created reality. It suffices to say how we think, feel and behave, from which assumptions originate, have the power to strengthen the positives and lessen or repel the negatives. Make validating your assumptions a good habit!